The Boobs Guide #2
Tips and Tricks to tell if they’re real and then how to get laid if they are
One of the most disconcerting things about spotting a nice pair is whether or not they are real. True, for some men it doesn’t matter–real boobs, fake boobs, it’s all the same. But for purists it has to be real boobs or no boobs at all (ugh, that’s a horrible image).
We’ve come up with some tips and tricks to fine tune your boob sensory powers and then additional advice on how to get laid. These tips and tricks have not been boob certified and are still in the testing phase, but better to get the research out there then to have a lonely man be deprived.
1. The Prick Test – Use any household pin and slightly prick the subject’s breasts while they are not looking. If the woman in question reacts quickly, the breasts are real. If there is a delayed reactiion, the boobs are suspect. If there is no reaction and you hear a slight hissing sound you are dealing with a South American boob job using air and latex. If the boobs accidently pop during this test please seek a lawyer (if caught). This test is called the Prick Test because of the methodology and also it means you are one if you actually perform it.
2. The Squeeze Test – If you are able to feel the pair in question, give a slight squeeze. If hey feel soft with no real sound, then you can surmise they are real. If you hear a slight fart noise, it is possible they are fake. If the boobs feel squishy or you feel water-like resistance they could be fake. If the squeezing causes the woman to burp, they could be fake. If the squeezing causes one boob to get smaller and the other to get larger and vice versa, they are definitely fake.
3. The Rub Test – This test can be done once your female subject has warmed up to you and you have succeed in getting her top removed. Gently take the right breast and rub it against the left breast. Listen carefully for the sound. If you hear nothing but, “What the hell are you doing?” then they are real. If you hear the sound of two balloons rubbing against each other making an obnoxious squeaking noise, then they are fake. If you rub the breasts for several minutes and the friction results in smoke and then an ensuing fire, they are really fake–be sure to keep a fire extinguisher nearby to keep the boobs from melting.
4. The Shake Test – This may take some diplomacy, but ask the female subject to jump up and down. If you hear the swishing sound similar to shaking a pair of 2 gallon milk jugs, then they are real. If her boobs hit her in the head and knock her unconscious, they are real (and possibly she models for National Geographic). If the boobs bounce, but it looks like a baseball is going up and down inside a sack, they could be a fake. If the boobs only bounce slightly and appear to be stiff, they could be fake. If the boobs don’t bounce at all, check to make sure sure it’s not a guy.
5. The Snap Test – Warning, this test could get you killed. Simply grab the nipple from under the clothing, pull back and let go. If you hear nothing but, “You bastard!” then they are real. If you hear a snapping sound similar to a Looney Tunes cartoon effect, then there is a good chance they are not real. If the snap test results in the nipple embedding itself in the boob, permanently altering the shape, then yes, definitely fake. If the snap test results in an explosion, you are dealing with a terrorist and it sucks to be you. NEXT PAGE