The Boobs Guide #3
How To Pick Up a Big Breasted Woman
1. Do not stare! I repeat, do not stare when directly talking to a big breasted woman. Wait for appropriate moments when she looks away or create distractions by throwing objects off to the side to create noises that cause her to turn her head.
2. Tell her you are interested in her mind. You know you’re full of poo and she knows you’re full of poo, but it’s the effort that counts.If you have a hard time with this, just picture her breasts as two brains, two cerebellums hanging from her chest that tittillate and excite you.
3. If you must know her cup size, be clever about gleaning this information. Do not just blurt out, “Are you a D cup?” Say something like: “ So if I were to get you an expensive present for your birthday from Victoria’s Secret, what are your measurements? Or if this approach does not work, ask her if she has a little back pain, a moderate amount of back pain or severe backpain. Severe back pain means you’re dealing with a double D–so ask her on a date already before she becomes a hunchback!
4. Spill a drink on her. Not only is this a good icebreaker, but you will also get a bonus of a wet shirt. However, make sure the drink you spill isn’t going to stain and don’t be too obvious by spilling an entire picture of beer. Yes, you may get to see soaked nipples, but the moment is no longer cute and clumsy, it makes you look like a retard.
After spilling the drink offer to wash her shirt at your place and don’t let on that you will have to use coins for the laundry room.
5. The empathetic approach. Warning: this is a controversial pickup approach. Some women will be creeped out. Tell her you were once a woman and that you know how it feels to lug around two heavy melons. If she takes to the conversation, invite her to your place to show her what you did to make your own boobs feel good.
6. Tell her you are a chiropractor and that you can relieve the stress caused by her large breasts. This will involve several adjustments and moments of holding the boobs in your handto relieve the pressure off of the upper spinal column.
If she doesn’t buy into that you’re a chiropractor, try “gynecologist” and offer a free pelvic exam. If that doesn’t work just admit you’re a pervert with no medical background, but you do play in a rock band. That should work.